It's late, but I'm somehow wired. Maybe it's all the coffee I drink. Maybe it's because I have doubt. But I think it might be because I tell myself stories.
Today's stupid story: I was on Craigs List this morning… I know the story should stop there: “Why was I on Craigs List?” should have been the programmed question, and I should have answered that with “No reason. Do something else!” and I should have listened to myself.
But I didn't. I said something to the effect of this is my guilty little pleasure and I'm just looking around. And I ended on the motorcycle page. And there was a guy selling five motorcycles and some big ass tool that I don't need, but is cool when you have to replace a wheel bearing, or some other pressure fit item. And one of the bikes was a 70s Honda CB360, and he only wanted $900, and it was in Queens, and instead of just saying “No. This is not in alignment with my current path,” I said “I have no place, and mom would kill me (which I know she never would), and any one of those bikes is worth more than $900 individually… probably.”
Then I went to Fairway, and spent more than $450 on alcohol, coffee, soap and hair care products, and a few other items (Fairway is going out of business). And I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind that I'd just spent half of what the motorcycles would have cost me.
And then I wondered what it was that had me so damned interested in them. Well, it was more like why do things like that so draw my attention. And I really did have a good day yesterday. I was busy with the right things, and then I pushed my way through a real estate contract: I adapted the form to my styles. I downloaded clean copies of various disclosures attached. I did an artful job with the addenda. I spent like three hours with it, and it felt good.
I really got into the standard form here. I got comfortable with it, and with a bit of the process, and it was good. I walked away from yesterday having felt I'd spent it well. Perhaps I'd obsessed a little, but that was okay.
So I got stuck in “What's wrong with me that I want those other things? I can't even attend to what I have.” And it comes up when I go down to the basement, and have visions for what to do regarding the physical plant, and painting and gardening and removing shrubberies. And I could do that all day too. It's probably less exhausting sometimes.
And I even got the phone working yesterday, for me. It wasn't magic, but I have the manual here so I can go there (making magic that is). And that was frustrating, and then great too. I am a stubborn ass when I want to do something, and I got it, not ideal, or perfect, but there's a phone on my desk that I didn't have to call a telephone system service company to come out and do what I did, or something that would have had the same effect, maybe a little better, but so what.
And then I ask if I'm in the right line of work. Maybe I should just manage stuff. And as I write that, I think, maybe I should just manage attorneys, and let them and paralegals and assistants do the work. It was Carnegie who said he'd rather take a tiny portion of a whole bunch of other people's labors than try to earn for himself. And he's right, one percent of a thousand men's work is 10 times what one could produce on his own. And we add a lot more value in what we do as lawyers.
So I did get in here, and talk to Patricia, and get on a call with some other lawyers,n and then seemed to piss away most of the afternoon, and evening.
And getting to write about it and hash it out in my mind makes it alright, I guess. I still pine for the motorcycles. I wondered too if I pissed away the day just to prove to myself and could have just gone and got the damned bikes, and then got on with my day.
So I guess the big take-away is don't go there unless you need something there, or go to browse, but that's because you like window shopping. Obviously this last strategy is not a good one for me, because here I am, not celebrating that some unknown person is probably set up to have all the fun I never would have got around to anyway. But I'm not so sure on the bike. I've built one before. I could have again, and that CB360 was in operational order, and I loved it, and I could have just peeled it out and sold the rest for $900 or more. And there again, I've demonstrated that I shouldn't go there. And maybe it was really $9000 and he mistyped. But why am I wasting the energy.
Especially when I have other things to do, like write my thoughts about the world. Connecticut's whining Democrat attorney general wants to go after the power companies because it took them so long to fix the power.
Governor Cuomo says that “He,” the state gives permission for restaurateurs to conduct their business. And I think he has it backwards. It's our right to conduct our business, and the state's job is to make sure we do that in such a manner that it doesn't infringe on other rights. And that's fundamental.
This morning I had a thought while I was on a call. It was that what we have right now, if a crisis, is a only a failing of gratitude.
The world is friggin' awesome, so awesome I get caught in the problem of having a million things I could do, and having to choose a small subset. That's a pretty damned high-class problem.
And it's the same for most people, especially those privileged enough to go out and protest, and then come back to a comfortable home, only to go out and rabble rouse the next day as well.
And that's my thought for today. Well one more. After wasting my afterevenight, I took one of the files off the table in my room here and pushed it forward, and sorted through a few more. The thing was those things didn't take me so long. If I'd made my Craigslisting the prize for getting stuff done, I might get more done, and then have the money to buy the toys I want, and the place for them.
And if I don't get to the prize because I get engrossed in taking care of stuff, that's a prize in itself.
And I still need my Manu to give me an update. And I'm so tickled that Lani reads this and responds. And that's my world for the moment. I have to go back to mom's (my prayer stuff is there). I need a bed here at the office. Soon, very soon. I'm enjoying myself now, and would be tickled to just be able to brush my teeth and throw myself on my sleepy thing.
So that's it. Good nighning.