It's such a bitch, for me anyway, to start writing again when I've not written for a while. I still can't turn on the computer without getting distracted. I've grades to worry about as I'm teaching again. I don't know if this is a win or a failure, or some combination.
On the one hand, I've trusted myself to make a difference in people's lives. On the other, I'm working with an age group and population that stymies even veteran teachers.
Some classes, I haven't yet figured out how to talk for a minute straight without interruption. I haven't figured out how to give instruction so the whole class actually hears. I haven't found the key to actually stir participation.
It's downright depressing, but I think I'm less depressed than when I wasn't teaching, which isn't saying much.
I've thought much about my campaign. I don't know if it's just an excuse to travel cross country and see my land. I had a student ask me why I am on a mission. I told him I believe in people. The thing is I know that, but I don't necessarily like it. I guess it has me expecting the world from them when many of them have trouble just showing up to class. It's a huge gap, and I haven't figured out how to bridge it.
Though writing this is giving me a clue. Every “haven't (yet)” above started out as a don't. The “don't” is an invitation to throw my hands up and walk away. I live a lot in don'ts. I suppose that would be okay if I was powerful with no, or if I didn't have a bigger vision. And I don't know if I am fooling myself.
Maybe I am just delusional, or maybe I pick schemes that are too big to succeed, at least with my current mo, and so I'm not content, but not enough to actually do anything about it.
And maybe I shouldn't have this part of the conversation at all. Maybe it should just be ten ideas, and ten ideas, and ten ideas, until the powerful action steps show up.
So how about 10 ideas:
- a skoolie
- a conversion van
- a panel truck
- a mobile home
- a pickup with a camper
- a pickup with a top for the bed
- a car with an easy to sleep in seat
- relying on the hospitality of others
- start the damned law suit
- win at marketing
- move to what is familiar
- give it all up and take up some other pursuit
That'll do for today. I've got grades to figure out.