Daily thoughts

So this is my hour. It's been a weird week. Whenever I try to meditate, I just end up having weird dreams. I should start writing them down.

So what I have to say is that maybe you the young should spend your time making the right kind of ghosts. There have been a lot of things just triggering memories, and most of them don't make me smile. They make me sad, that I've missed something, failed to create something. You shouldn't have these kinds of ghosts.

You are far less likely to regret the things you tried than those you didn't, that you did stupid things because they pleased you. And then this comes up a lot around things. Like my Jeep, which made no sense to keep, except that I loved it.

Like the things I talked myself out of, because others made more sense. There's much less charm to being a wandering fifty year old than there is to wander at twenty.

And I feel awful to be so far away. And I wonder if what I am doing is right. And then I put all sorts of garbage into my body, and I don't even care.

Oh, to be a person of vision. I spoke to my buddy this week, and he's great. And I wonder if I need a bigger buy in to finally get off my ass. Like my life isn't enough.

And I think that's what I need to get clear of, that anything that I do will never be enough.

So the rest of this trip is about declaring enough.

So that's my copy: “Have you done enough?” Well, you'll know when you can answer these questions Yes:

• Do your people know if they should pull the plug?
• Have you given authority to one person who will follow your wishes?
• Does someone know how to carry on your business when you can't?
• Does he have authority to?
• Are your kids taken care of if you can't take care of them?
• Do the people you are counting on know you are counting on them?
• Do they know what to do when you can't direct them?
• Are the necessary funds available, to pay your bills, take care of your loved ones, etcetra?
• Are you clear who has authority to access and disburse these funds when you can't? Is the person with authority in the loop?
• Do they know where to bury you?
• Do they know what you want to leave them with, your values, your love, a family that works?
• Do you know that things are settled so the only thing that causes grief is the loss of the one they love?

So that's not really ten ideas, but it's a list, and that's a start. Maybe I'll end with ten ideas to get excited about:

• Nothing Matters
• You/I/We are Free
• Anything is Possible
• I can make someone's life better every day
• I can cause people to smile
• I can cause them to feel understood
• I can help them find a better way
• I provide peace
• I shift people's lives
• I matter
• Horses
• Fresh Air
• Old cars
• Old homes
• Creaky doors
• Wind
• Rain
• Sun
• Old Tools
• Familiar Smells
• Freedom
• Peace
• Neighbors
• People
• Faith
• Nature
• Human Nature
• Love
• Babies
• Children
• Excitement
• Laughter
• Father Jokes
• Death
• Boats
• The Ocean
• Tides
• Crustaceans
• Vertebrates
• Invertabrates
• Icebergs
• Lettuce
• Brussels Sprouts
• Asparagus
• Feet
• Vision
• Endings
• Beginings
• Tears
• Family
• Futures
• Taking license

That will do for today. I love you all.

So I have severely limited my time to write today, which is ridiculous, as this was supposed to be my first task. Instead, I drove, a lot, arrived home at three, was in bed by four, alarm at six, out by 6:17 (I don't think I was up until a quarter after), and then the daily page, home to cofee and cards with mom, a nap, looking at stock recommendations as the market is going wild, and then exercize and dinner, and dishes, and off to a shiva house, back to the computer, some Quora questions, renew the changemymind.xyz domain, follow up on an Altucher offer, look for a phone number, which has me tossing a lot of paper, and going through the desk, and doing a crossword in the AARP magazine after going through most of that.
And I thought about my priorities this morning. I said to myself "self, if you spend your time on earning instead of investing, you might be moving in a better direction.
I also cleaned the car out after my trip, and that's what i wanted to tell you about. Your momma left Tuesday, as you know. I dropped her off and continued south to Norma, New Jersey, where is located the Alliance Cemetery, founded by the people of Alliance, the first Jewish farm colony in the United States, who settled there. I went there hoping to close a loop. You see my grandfather is buried there. It's pretty, as most cemeteries here are.
I found the marker, and I left a stone for each of us, and my father and uncle and grandmother. There was one stone already there, more like a big piece of concrete right on the middle of the marker. I don't know who set it, or what it means.
I don't know when my dad last visited. I offered to go down with him last year, or the year before, and he wasn't interested. He'd also said he would have liked to see the old neighborhood one mre tieeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Well, I think tiredyness is getting the better of me. Good night.

So in an attempt to get some more clarity, I've tried meditating. It's easy to get quiet, but it doesn't seem that any insight or clarity is coming to me. I notice I remember dreams more, but they are as out of control as ever.

And I get tired so easily. But I've also been eating for crap.

I really don't feel like I know what to write. I've been more or less awake for two hours. I spent the first I want to say being with your mom, but a good bit of it was wasted on playing a word game.

And she commented that she gets why I like this place. But I'm not so attached to Stamford. I do know a lot of the people here, and get along well here, but it's not the end.

I think I just let the Judaism stop me, or take it too seriously. There are guys here who have boats, and I'm like what's the use if you have to stop what you are doing every Friday. There's a guy who is a consultant on power lines I think, and he was going to be in multiple cities over the course of a day or two last week, and had the minyanim sorted out. And I can't take a road trip for a day, and not miss a minyan.

And I read Shea's book (again, I'm pretty sure), and he talks about how marrying outside the faith is a terrible thing to do, as it necessarily cuts off the future of the Jewish people, and I wonder if my whole journey is not just somehow to make amends for my past

And I'm reading Dr. Atul Gawande's “Being Mortal.” And he shows what we already know, that having meaning and purpose give a reason to go forward, reduce depression, etc. And I outlined a similar program, from the architecture of society side (inside my education studies) for age-integrated community centers, a plan followed in part by one of the programs Dr. Gawande explores in his book on taking care of the aging. And I'm left with my lack of focus leaving me in the funk I am in today.

And I just got off Skype with Manu, and it seems I'm leaving him with the same disease, which is at more advanced stages. At his age, we'd had the local paper route in the family for four years already. Granted, the summer I was his age, I spent in Israel; so I guess Dahlia was delivering papers. And maybe my memory is just all messed up. I was eleven (lying that I was twelve) when I started delivering papers, but then I was in King School around the same time, so I must have taken on the route before school started, and my sisters were delivering on Mondays through Thursday. I know this because I didn't go for a drama thing at King because I'd have to give up Fridays, and I don't know if I didn't want to give up on the money, or didn't want to saddle my sisters with another day, or felt I could not.

And maybe that was a mistake too. If I'd set some priorities, maybe I'd have had less of an issue about the choices I made. I remember my experience being more to the side that it was not possible than to it being an informed choice.

And now I think I need to look at how my day falls out. It's mid-afternoon now and I find I'm finally in a state to progress on certain things; so I think I will.

Now ten ways I could add value:

• paint
• clean
• listen
• cook
• connect
• visit with people
• build things
• give people what to think about
• teach
• show up
• stay out of the way
• share ideas
• write/comment/answer/advise

Hey, I've altered my rule a little. I do like to write every day, but sometimes it won't be here.

So today's writing appears at Avoiding Civil War.

Well, I should have known that was more than five minutes. My watch has dropped one of its time markers again, so the hands get stuck, and 5:47 stays 5:35. I got up to write, and I noticed the file I write these posts on had not updated from my other computer; so back and forth a few times, and I thought it was only a few minutes. I was actually surprised it was only a few minutes, but then it wasn't.

I am glad I got the ball rolling again yesterday. It doesn't provide much uf a streak, but we all start somewhere. I wanted to tell you more about our fair day, which we started at 3:30 in the morning. I prayed in Monsey. We were at the fair at 9:38. Admission was free the first day. By the time we were there, there were maybe thirty other cars already there.

This fair was in Chenango County. It's not a big fair, or a particularly prosperous county, but it was the closest of the four available in New York this week. I had wanted to go to all four, but your mother didn't really like the idea. One would be alright, maybe two.

We were too late for the goat milking competition, which started at 7:30. Even if we'd gone straight, we'd gotten out too late. But we did make it to the rabbit competition. It was just so cute. I don't have any idea how many categories rabbits get judged in, but the competition that started at 9:00 was still going strong by the time we got there, and we only left it to see the New York State Gas and Electric demonstration on electrical safety at 10:30. The sum of that was don't touch the damned wires, not even with a kite string.

And there were cows and sheep and flowers and horse races and all sorts of people. In short, it was fun.

But we were done there by about three; so I looked up what else to do in the area, and we found the Norwich Car Museum. It was amazing.

Then we drove home, with many nap stops, and I'm still tired.