So My Dear Son:
I promised to write yesterday, or the day before, and I do so enjoy writing. Well, maybe it's not the writing. Maybe it's just the sense of clarity it sometimes leaves me with.
So since my time is limited, I'll start by sharing with you what I just shared with my group of Itroduction Leaders. I know. I shouldn't have even been there because my promise was to write before I do anything else today. And instead:
I saw a message on my phone, and started to reply, and took a phone call, and that was another hour of my time (even if it was spent with one of my favorite people), and then I went back to finish the message, but I justified it in that I would be writing, and could share that with you, and really meet multiple goals at the sami time: explain something to other people, work on my all-the-way-through share, and gain some clarity. So here's the share:
What I've already been doing is bitching about being in Israel. This has been going on for years. Along the way, I'd take a job, and then send resumes overseas, and try to start a business in America remotely that would drag us to America (it's not me; it's the business) when it justifies it.
And I have this conversation: “If I go back, I know exactly the type of practice I'd open up.” And then I have hesitancy. I also have a conversation that “No matter where I am, there I'll be, and I'm never happy; so how would being there (the US) do anything other than give me an opportunity for making myself wrong for putting the strain this will on my family. . . . And I probably won't succeed anyway?!”
And who I am already being is frustrated, and tired, and blaming my wife, my family, my directionless, spineless, unsure, younger self for my life “not working.”
So the possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of being trusting and courageous.
So I took a step. I took on a coach for creating a law business in the area of family practice, and then I booked this trip to actually find work, and I joined the local bar association (without hesitation, which was completely new for me). And I simply ask is this in line with my goal, and if yes, I go there.
And I saw a listing for a practice for sale about a week before I flew; so I called, and I made an appointment to meet the attorney the day after I got here.
And here I am, not three days later, about to buy the law practice, and the building it is housed in.
And I'm so scared, and there's a voice in my head screaming “You have no idea how to be what's necessary to make this work! What are you thinking? You're just going to make a mess of it: your life, your practice, your relationships, your family. Really, what are you thinking?” and I'm moving forward, and I don't know exactly how I will make this work, but I'm trusting that it's only in action that I will figure it out.
That said, decisions are coming easier. I stopped at Dick's sporting goods on the way back from Bridgeport (to talk to Mrs. A about the practice) to look at/buy a tennis racket.
There are so many choices, anywhere from 25 bucks up to a few hundred. I noticed the conversations: “I can't believe they threw out the tennis rackets, (and Sharleen's squash racket too).” “I should probably check if Cesar can get this cheaper,” “Maybe I should check Amazon, or ask to borrow one?” And then I said, “Hey, what's your time worth?” and I took the cheapest racket in the middle range of rackets (all I really need is something reasonable to put the ball over the net with), then spent about a minute looking at sneakers, which I pretty quickly realized I don't need, and then went to look at guns, which I realized I won't be buying today anyway; so I went and paid, and had my racket to play tennis with the next morning.
I don't know if I played so much as hit the balls over the net, or at least tried to. It's not as easy as I remember. But it feels good, and I've been out twice, and I rowed yesterday, and prayed, and made it to Miriam's in the evening, and went to bed at a reasonable hour, and got up way too early, but that's okay. Now, I've already got one of today's tasks done.