So in an attempt to get some more clarity, I've tried meditating. It's easy to get quiet, but it doesn't seem that any insight or clarity is coming to me. I notice I remember dreams more, but they are as out of control as ever.
And I get tired so easily. But I've also been eating for crap.
I really don't feel like I know what to write. I've been more or less awake for two hours. I spent the first I want to say being with your mom, but a good bit of it was wasted on playing a word game.
And she commented that she gets why I like this place. But I'm not so attached to Stamford. I do know a lot of the people here, and get along well here, but it's not the end.
I think I just let the Judaism stop me, or take it too seriously. There are guys here who have boats, and I'm like what's the use if you have to stop what you are doing every Friday. There's a guy who is a consultant on power lines I think, and he was going to be in multiple cities over the course of a day or two last week, and had the minyanim sorted out. And I can't take a road trip for a day, and not miss a minyan.
And I read Shea's book (again, I'm pretty sure), and he talks about how marrying outside the faith is a terrible thing to do, as it necessarily cuts off the future of the Jewish people, and I wonder if my whole journey is not just somehow to make amends for my past
And I'm reading Dr. Atul Gawande's “Being Mortal.” And he shows what we already know, that having meaning and purpose give a reason to go forward, reduce depression, etc. And I outlined a similar program, from the architecture of society side (inside my education studies) for age-integrated community centers, a plan followed in part by one of the programs Dr. Gawande explores in his book on taking care of the aging. And I'm left with my lack of focus leaving me in the funk I am in today.
And I just got off Skype with Manu, and it seems I'm leaving him with the same disease, which is at more advanced stages. At his age, we'd had the local paper route in the family for four years already. Granted, the summer I was his age, I spent in Israel; so I guess Dahlia was delivering papers. And maybe my memory is just all messed up. I was eleven (lying that I was twelve) when I started delivering papers, but then I was in King School around the same time, so I must have taken on the route before school started, and my sisters were delivering on Mondays through Thursday. I know this because I didn't go for a drama thing at King because I'd have to give up Fridays, and I don't know if I didn't want to give up on the money, or didn't want to saddle my sisters with another day, or felt I could not.
And maybe that was a mistake too. If I'd set some priorities, maybe I'd have had less of an issue about the choices I made. I remember my experience being more to the side that it was not possible than to it being an informed choice.
And now I think I need to look at how my day falls out. It's mid-afternoon now and I find I'm finally in a state to progress on certain things; so I think I will.
Now ten ways I could add value:
- visit with people
- build things
- give people what to think about
- show up
- stay out of the way
- share ideas